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Escrito por Cronos el lunes, 21 de septiembre de 2009

Lo decía extremoduro... me gustaría sonreir, pero no quedan tantas drogas hoy aqui...

No es cuestion de drogas. Bueno, cualquiera que haya leido las letras de Roberto Iniesta en profundidad ya debería saber que rara vez cuando habla de droga habla únicamente de droga (a veces si). Está aquello de "necesito drogas y amor", bastante evidente de por si (el amor es la droga mas dura, decían los platero), pero tambien establece metaforas muy similares con la libertad, aunque estas a veces son un poco más difíciles de pillar.

Bueno, esto no pretende ser un ejercicio de Extremodurología. Solo estaba apoyándome un poco en sus letras para contar lo que quiero/me apetece/necesito contar.

Círculos viciosos. O espirales maliciosas. Viene a ser lo mismo. La soledad (que últimamente me pesa y mucho) me afecta al ánimo. El ánimo me afecta a la soledad - o sea, que me es muy dificil establecer relaciones personales con nadie cuando estoy en fase de auto-no-aceptación... y por lo tanto la soledad se eterniza. En ocasiones por mis propias barreras absurdas (que yo mismo sé que son absurdas) a la hora de relacionarme con "aquellas personas de entre los demás que percibo como posible compañía sexual o sentimental" hacen que pasen trenes simplemente porque no he ni hecho el ademán de pillarlos. Soy consciente de que estas cosas son parte de uno mismo, pero tambien soy consciente de que es un poco absurdo quejarme de la soledad y a la vez no ser capaz de acercarme a alguien que me resulta atractivo por el simple hecho de que me resulta atractivo. Timidez, le llaman, y es un poco hijaputa, y se me acentua cuando el animo anda bajo. Lo dicho, la pescadilla que se muerde la cola. Y se hace sangre, además.

Conclusiones:
Pues va a tocar comprarse una buena coleccion de caretas.

Bueno, no deja de ser una declaracion de intenciones, claro. Quien me conoce sabe que me es prácticamente imposible ocultar mi estado de ánimo enun 99% de las ocasiones. Y cuando lo hago, tiene que ser muy a sabiendas y con un objetivo muy claro. Solo se actuar como quien juega a rol: Metiéndome en un papel. Y además el papel tiene que ser plausible, creible. Si no, en seguida regreso al "yomismo".

Por ejemplo, suelo "disfrazarme" bastante en los trabajos. Incluso a veces con mi familia. No es que me transforme en otro, simplemente se que hay facetas de mi mismo que es mejor que no conozcan a fondo, no porque me averguence de ella, sino porque simplemente se que es sumamente improbable que las comprendan o simplemente las intenten comprender.

Siempre considere que entre mis amigos, mi entorno, mi gente podía ser yo mismo al 100%, ignorar las barreras. La experiencia me dice que no tanto como yo pensaba (aunque si mucho, conste, esto no es ningun tipo de recriminacion, solo la constatacion de un hecho... y se que escribirlo puede hacerlo sonar mas a recriminacion todavia, pero no, no lo es, si hay alguien a quien deba recriminarle algo es a mi mismo, y no es el caso, o no mucho, no estoy flagelándome). Asi que, eso, me compraré una coleccion de caretas, pondre la sonrisa de la ballena y seguiré tirando para adelante. En realidad, no queda otra opción. Bueno, si, pero las otras me gustan menos. Los problemas se resuelven, darles vueltas solo sirve para agravarlos, y ultimamente he dado demasiadas vueltas, y he tomado demasiadas pocas decisiones. Habrá que intentar cambiarlo... De hecho, esta simple pequeña decision, aunque no deje de ser una declaracion de intenciones, es un cambio en si mismo. Pasar pagina, enterrar los muertos, y seguir.

La sonrisa de la ballena

Con sonrisa de ballena,
con veneno por las venas
voy dejandome llevar...

Entregandome al fracaso
hasta el fondo de mil vasos
lograré bucear...

Entre luces de colores,
me cago en todas las flores,
se miran sin observar...

Si descubro una sirena
¡insurgencia en las colmenas!
con la puta ansiedad...

Corro siempre huyendo hacia delante
delicao cuan elefante,
elegante cuan chacal...
Corre, que voy buscando la cena
con sonrisa de ballena
y tinta de calamar...
pa cuando huele a final...

Mi disfraz de vagabundo
da mil vueltas por el mundo
cuando quiero despegar

Y me cuenta mil historias
de veletas y de norias
y de un salto mortal...

Con el traje de payaso
tampoco me hacen ni caso
pero no lo tomo a mal...

Y si a veces cuento el tiempo
aun me sorprende el aliento
de la calva detras...

Corro siempre huyendo hacia delante
delicao cuan elefante,
elegante cuan chacal...
Corre, que voy buscando la cena
con sonrisa de ballena
y tinta de calamar...
pa cuando huele a final...

Y harta de pensar en venas,
sonrio la ballena,
guiñando al chacal...

Y harta de tanto elefante,
huyó hacia delante
y aprendio a volar...

Y harta de cargar con penas
voló la ballena
mas allá del mar

Y harta de ser navegante,
se volvio elefante
y dejo todo atras...
y sonrio hasta el final...

Las ballenas sonrien para alimentarse. Llenan su boca de agua con Krill, y despues la expulsan, filtrandola con su dentadura, y dejando al Krill dentro... Habrá que sonreir, pues. O por lo menos intentarlo.

(las muy proximas vacaciones ayudarán, espero xD)
32 Comentarios

Enviado por na el jueves, 1 de enero de 1970

espero que esas vacaciones te ayuden, y puedas hacer todas esas cosas para las que no hace falta careta. aunque solo sea por probar...
porque...¿como va a ser lo mismo un circulo que una espiral?
Enviado por Yosi_ el jueves, 1 de enero de 1970

Trigonometrías aparte, lo cierto es que la hipocresía, usada a modo de actitud sin oscuras pretensiones, es una forma de autoayuda tan válida como cualquiera y más eficaz que muchas. A veces como las ballenas y a veces como los payasos, porque se hace lo que se puede y no se debe pedir más, pero intentarlo sí puede ser buena idea.
Enviado por Sumiciu el jueves, 1 de enero de 1970

Oye, que los payasos también funcionan...
Enviado por na el jueves, 1 de enero de 1970

No, si funcionar puede funcionar todo. Lo jodido viene cuando el todo lo reducimos a lo mismo.
Cuando nos quedamos ancladas en eso que llamamos personalidad.
Y sé que puede sonar a burrada.
Aunque nos pillemos una buena colección de caretas... no dejamos de llevar máscara.
Enviado por Cronos el jueves, 1 de enero de 1970

Un circulo es (o se puede ver como) una espiral que no varia de amplitud con cada vuelta. Igualmente, para el simbolo que quería emplear es casi sufiiente. Y aun asi, mejor espiral que circulo: La espiral cambia con cada giro, el circulo te deja en el mismo sitio.

Tambien sucede que, a veces, el disfraz se apodera del que lo lleva. E igual que hay quien cuando se pone un traje se convierte en un yupi, tambien puede pasar que si me dedico a sonreir, me acostumbre a ello, y acabe por asumir por completo que el origen de ciertas cosas está en mi interior, cosa que por otro lado sé positivamente - la inevitable distancia entre entender y asumir, que muchas veces tan poco se comprende. Hubo otras epocas, en las que las cosas fueron distintas, pero no solo por las cosas: El distinto -tambien- era yo. Algo de eso hay, y la ligereza de las vacaciones, y conocer a alguna gente, y tomar o retomar contacto con otra, y el centrarme en mi mismo, que al fin y al cabo es lo unico que esta bajo una ilusion de cierto control lo pone de relieve.

Eso si, sigo si saber llevar mascara. Lo intento, pero la mascara, como ya dije, acaba por hacerseme cara, o al reves. Quiza sea eso que llaman "actitud".

En fin, que hoy, la soledad me pesa menos. Quiza gracias a que se que los muros que tengo que saltar -derribar- son mios.
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